I Am A Liar

Every Saturday, I go to my cousins’ house. They are young – one is an eighth grader, the other a fifth grader. For the past few years, I have grown closer with the fifth grader, who I shall call Ashley for the purpose of anonymity.

I lie a lot on Saturdays.

This past Saturday, the topic of gay marriage came up at my cousins’ house. I’m not sure how it happened, though I think it had to do with the upcoming presidential election. My slightly socially conservative aunt didn’t directly castigate gays, but she expressed something similar to discomfort, leaning toward disgust.

Later that day, Ashley and I sat across from each other. Somehow, while she colored her artwork and I struggled with calculus, Adam Lambert came up in our discussion. As I failed to find the derivative of number 47, she said,  “did you know that he’s gay?”

I looked up, and after seeing a grimace on her face, I knew that she thought being gay was wrong – maybe not wrong, but not really right. I knew that her parents’ beliefs had infiltrated her, and I wondered what she would think if she knew I was gay. I stopped my work and looked at her. This was my closest cousin, the one I wasn’t afraid to act weird around, the one who had seen me cry and comforted me with board games and bad pop music. She looked back at me, waiting for an answer.

I said yes, and changed the subject.

Apples to Apples is one of our favorite board games. One of the rare times in which Hitler and Helen Keller are equally powerful…

I remember one of the toughest moments, for me, was when Ashley had to get glasses a few years ago. Every time she tried on a new pair, she would shrink into herself, hesitate, and say that she looked weird. I knew that one of the reasons why was because I had gotten contacts just before her transition, so she didn’t want to trade places with me – she wanted us to stay the same.

It hurt me, when my cousin – bright, gifted, and an avid reader – felt insecure about her appearance, as if it took precedent over her perfect exam scores in English, or her ability to read people way better than I could at her age.

So, I saved her. Or at least I like to think I did. I had one of my good friends purposely tell her she looked way prettier with glasses. I agreed over and over again. It wasn’t a lie this time, because in a way, it was true. Once my cousin believed us, her confidence grew – and after awhile she went back to caring more about her academics and the books that she read than how her face looked in the mirror. I gave her this book as a gift and now we agree that aesthetics aren’t nearly as important as what’s on the inside. It’s harder than one would think to convince a precocious nine-year-old that people care more about something they can’t see than what is right in front of them.

Here is a perfectly accurate portrait she drew of me. I know I am beautiful.

But now, I can’t save her. I can’t say that being gay doesn’t matter, that who you fall in love with or marry doesn’t make a difference. I can’t, because she could tell her mom, and her mom could tell my mom, and the consequences would be severe. Yet, I wish I could help her see that being gay doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change how blurry I look when she forgets to  put her glasses on, how hard we laugh when we have random conversations, or how crazy it is that we can read the same books and love the same characters.

For now, I am a liar. I am a liar of omission, as I know, deep down, that I should be saying something – even if it’s just a little something – but I’m not. I’m not able to yet.

But I will be someday. Someday, I will break away from my mother, and I will be who I want to be without care or caution.

I will make up for my lies by telling the truth.

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10 Comments

Filed under Personal

10 responses to “I Am A Liar

  1. Sometimes there are necessary lies. There’s a time for everything and I support you in the idea you have that you’ll tell her the truth later. Later when she’s old enough to understand, later when you fee that you can ‘break away’ and live without a mask.

    • Yes, there are necessary lies, although they are rare. I will tell her if need be when we’re older, and I’ll definitely make sure she’s not ignorant of the issue and all of its parts. Thanks for reading and commenting!

  2. I understand how you feel. My mom knows I’m gay but she does not like me talking about it to family members. Anyways the same thing happened to me a while back ago, my cousins were talking about gay marriage and they were just looking at me as if the wanted me to say something or make a fuss over it. I just hate how i have to hide it, its apart of me and who i am and not being able to express my opinion about there medieval thoughts hurts. Why should we have to shut up and let them go on over thoughts and opinions that are completely wrong. I understand that not everyone feels and thinks the same way but by not allowing us to spread the word and change the ways others see we will never progress as one. Sorry for ranting. Bye c:

    • Aw, I’m sorry you’re going through a similar dilemma – but at least you have a platform here to express your thoughts, and I’m also glad that your mom knows that you’re gay and accepts it. Not sure if she accepts it completely, but I do hope that she does. Anyway, things will get better for us with time, hang in there!

      • I know and I’m very glad that i have a blog where i can come onto and express my thoughts and feelings with people like you c: and thank you for being sweet it means a lot to me. And she knows I’m gay, at first she did not like it but now she dose not care and is happy as long as I’m happy because she loves me. And I know for a fact that things will get better for us in the future!<3 Thank you for your amazing and lovely blog Thomas c:

  3. i’m sure that must of been very hard for you to hear, espeically when it’s a taught view, it will get better 🙂

  4. That’s one of the biggest problems I have with christianity- I can see how killing is wrong (thou shall not murder), and how stealing and cheating and lying is wrong, but how can love be wrong?

    • I agree. I’m not the most knowledgeable person regarding Christianity, but I do think it is odd that it could condemn love in any way, shape, or form.

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