Last night they slammed a sledgehammer to my heart, and my whole world broke into pieces.
If you do not like personal posts, please do not read this. But if you care about me, please do.
Someone I trusted tore me open yesterday. This person, who I confided in for the past two years, told me that they did not want our friendship, they told me that they did not care about me, they told me that everything they did for me just came from lies. I invested so much time into this person; I put just as much effort into our relationship as I put into my classes, my research, my extra-curriculars. This person hit me harder with their words than anything I have ever felt; they tore through me like a flimsy sheet of paper, like nothing at all.
I have had an eating disorder. I have been abused. I have wanted to end my life. I know pain; for years, I breathed it in and let it out and saw it evaporate in the air around me. But the pain I feel right now, the emptiness inside of me – I have never felt this before. I have never trusted my heart to someone and seen them rip it apart in front of my own eyes.
Why do I write these words? Why will I share this on Facebook, to the eyes of acquaintances who do not really know me, to coworkers who I only make small talk with and will now feel uncomfortable around me, to former teachers who might lose respect for me, to people who might think of me as an attention-whore, as a weakling, as nothing other than just another person with a rough life?
Because I want you to know that pain and suffering do not define a person. I will survive this. I will get through this. I will still do all of my homework and go to all of my classes and learn about Psychology and English and everything I have always cared about. I will still lead the mental health branch of HOPE and work two jobs and volunteer. This pain does not define me, just as my eating disorder did not define me, just as any person’s mental illness does not define them.
But the most important part: I will get help. I will reach out to my friends. I will go to the Counseling Center. I have had my world shattered, my heart broken, every ounce of my college experience turned upside down. But I still have my strength, even if just a shred of it, a flickering light that only illuminates a little bit of the darkness around me. And that strength will guide me to get help, to help myself.
I have listened to Ariana Grande’s song “Break Free” over 500 times. One line always resonates with me, the part where she sings “I’m stronger than I’ve been before.”
I’m not stronger than I’ve been before right now. You do not recover from depression over night, an eating disorder in a day, a toxic relationship that has blinded you – a toxic relationship that has blinded me – in a week.
But I will be stronger than I am right now. I will work hard and become a psychologist and help people. I will pursue my passions no matter what. I will be stronger than I’ve been before.
I will be.