The Worst Pain in the World

Last night they slammed a sledgehammer to my heart, and my whole world broke into pieces.

If you do not like personal posts, please do not read this. But if you care about me, please do.

Someone I trusted tore me open yesterday. This person, who I confided in for the past two years, told me that they did not want our friendship, they told me that they did not care about me, they told me that everything they did for me just came from lies. I invested so much time into this person; I put just as much effort into our relationship as I put into my classes, my research, my extra-curriculars. This person hit me harder with their words than anything I have ever felt; they tore through me like a flimsy sheet of paper, like nothing at all.

I have had an eating disorder. I have been abused. I have wanted to end my life. I know pain; for years, I breathed it in and let it out and saw it evaporate in the air around me. But the pain I feel right now, the emptiness inside of me – I have never felt this before. I have never trusted my heart to someone and seen them rip it apart in front of my own eyes.

Why do I write these words? Why will I share this on Facebook, to the eyes of acquaintances who do not really know me, to coworkers who I only make small talk with and will now feel uncomfortable around me, to former teachers who might lose respect for me, to people who might think of me as an attention-whore, as a weakling, as nothing other than just another person with a rough life?

Because I want you to know that pain and suffering do not define a person. I will survive this. I will get through this. I will still do all of my homework and go to all of my classes and learn about Psychology and English and everything I have always cared about. I will still lead the mental health branch of HOPE and work two jobs and volunteer. This pain does not define me, just as my eating disorder did not define me, just as any person’s mental illness does not define them.

But the most important part: I will get help. I will reach out to my friends. I will go to the Counseling Center. I have had my world shattered, my heart broken, every ounce of my college experience turned upside down. But I still have my strength, even if just a shred of it, a flickering light that only illuminates a little bit of the darkness around me. And that strength will guide me to get help, to help myself.

I have listened to Ariana Grande’s song “Break Free” over 500 times. One line always resonates with me, the part where she sings “I’m stronger than I’ve been before.”

I’m not stronger than I’ve been before right now. You do not recover from depression over night, an eating disorder in a day, a toxic relationship that has blinded you – a toxic relationship that has blinded me – in a week.

But I will be stronger than I am right now. I will work hard and become a psychologist and help people. I will pursue my passions no matter what. I will be stronger than I’ve been before.

I will be.

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47 Comments

Filed under Personal

47 responses to “The Worst Pain in the World

  1. daintylittlesecretsblog

    I’m here if you need to talk. I’m in the healing process right now as well.

  2. Rick

    Many of us love you Thomas. Don’t focus on those who don’t.

  3. Kev

    I cannot understand why someone would do something like that. You have a lot if people who do care about you. Including at least one you’ve not even met 🙂

    I’m glad you are strong enough to not let this stop you.

  4. Thomas, we’ve never met, but I know you. You are stronger than this pain. You are stronger than your than your afflictions. You are strong because you open yourself up to your friends, to those of us who love you. You allow us to share in that pain and in sharing to lend you some of our meager strength. Strength that we had already received from you. So thank you, Thomas. Thank you for the love and insight we receive in your writings. And I pray, Thomas, I truly, truly, pray that you too are strengthened through us.

    • I am strengthened from your support as well as all the other comments I receive too. Thank you for your kindness, James; the first night after this happened I remember reading the comments on this post and just crying so hard. Your comment really made me cry the most, I think, because it was just so hard for me to believe that someone who I have never met could say things so meaningful and compassionate. So thank you again for your presence, as it means a lot to me.

  5. My thoughts are with you. Things will get better with time, as I’m sure you know. It hurts a lot right now, but it is probably for the best. You have a strategy to move forward. That’s better than wandering aimless unsure of how to cope. You’ll be okay. You have so far.

    ❤ I'm proud of you

  6. Reblogged this on Are. You. Mental? and commented:
    Thank you for sharing.

  7. peter

    This is very moving, Thomas. Well done for writing it. The person who gains is you. The person who loses is the one who hurt you. In fact the nature of this person’s rejection – so cold, so cruel – leads me to wonder if she or he is needing the most help and pity. Someone like that is going to journey through life a very lonely person while you will continue to gather friends – many of whom will come to share a truly deep connection. To adapt something from, I think, Leon Bloy, a nineteenth century French writer: ‘We have places in our heart that are not yet known and into them enters suffering that they may be known.’ That person who hurt you has, ironically, helped you: you are now stronger, better, wiser.By the way, the most moving aspect of your post was its lack of bitterness. You avoided any hint of cynicism or cruelty. You’re good for the world. Press on!

    • Peter, thank you so much for your thoughtful response. The way you discuss the situation and come at it from different angles, as well as how you use that quote, really show to me that you care. I appreciate it so much, and I agree that through this situation I find myself in the process of learning how to help myself even more.

  8. From someone who knows you only through your blog – you are an amazing person, and all of us here are rooting for you. I’m sorry this happened; I have all the faith in the world that you can get through it.

    Thank you so much for sharing this. “Pain and suffering do not define a person” – that’s the underlying message your blog has spread since the very beginning, and it’s an inspiring and important one.

  9. I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. Things will get better; I think that the important thing is that you recognise what you need to do to get the help you need to recover from this. A very inspirational post.

  10. You seem to have encountered your fair share of sucky people, and I’m sorry about that. I obviously don’t know you in real life, but if you’re even half as kind/thoughtful/interesting as you are on this blog, then I can say with certainty that this person doesn’t deserve to have known you at all. I think it’s great that you can be hurting this much and still write about it and still be strong. It’s great that you’re not going to let this ruin your life, even for a brief time. It sucks, but you’re doing everything you can to heal, and that’s something that more people (myself included) need to try harder to do.

  11. LK Hattinen

    Thank you for sharing this with us, it is often so incredibly difficult to be open during our difficult times. Kia kaha Thomas.

  12. I’m sorry you have to go through this. From what I’ve read on your blog I’m confident you will get through this because, well, you’re you, and you’re amazing.

  13. Hi Thomas. I am so sorry to hear that coming from someone who is so talented and brilliant, deserving of great friends. I can definitely connect with you through some of these trying circumstances, however. Feel free to talk to me at any point if you would like.

  14. You will definitely be stronger than this and I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but you will have a wonderful university experience. You’re going to get through this Thomas. ❤

  15. Thomas, I am so sorry you are going through this. I believe in and admire your strength, and here is one more anonymous person who thinks of you.

  16. I’m sorry to hear that this happened to you. How awful and shocking to be blindsided like this; I’d be gasping for air. I know what it feels like to be stabbed through by rejection.

    The way you are holding it – letting it be true and painful, while looking through it to the future – I think that is good. That is the strong thing to do. I see that you are on your path.

  17. Thomas,

    You are already stronger because you are not letting pain immobilize you. Yes it hurts, and yes, it will take some time, but the fact that you are already saying “I will work hard and become a psychologist and help people. I will pursue my passions no matter what” is a reflection of your strength. Practice grace for yourself and give yourself the time you need. Moments like these will contribute to your ability to connect and help others in a more empathetic way.

    I have been reading through Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection. It has helped me deal with topics such as vulnerability, shame, acceptance, and courage. If you have not read it, I would recommend it!

    You are wonderful and it is my pleasure to get to know you through your words.

  18. Dear Thomas,

    I write to you as a reader of your blog since about the time you started. You have been one of those few bloggers whose words inspire and speak volumes about the good that you are. You have struggled a lot, and you have spoken about it. And I think in order for our hurt to make sense, we write and we express it. And it gets better when we write/type it down. We feel it, and knowing what’s bothering us is the first step towards being better. And expression comes later. So you’re already long way down the road to being a better you, and feeling better.

    You will most certainly and definitely be. Just be.

  19. Thomas, my heart aches for you. I know what it’s like to have a friend turn their back on you and it will hurt for some time. But know that we are here for you. You are loved, never forget that.

  20. The reason I ‘like’ this Thomas, is that you wrote about it. That you are addressing it with the tools and skills you have learned to use for your well being. Though you have lost ‘a’ friend, you have not lost the best of friends you will have in life. And I love your line that you are not as strong as you are going to be. I’m so sorry for your pain right now. I take comfort in knowing that you know what to do for yourself, to get where you need to be.

  21. Cara

    Oh Thomas this is awful news. It is incredibly hurtful to be not only wounded by a friend but be disappointed in them as well. And I know a loss of a friendship is felt deeply, but I am proud of you for always finding strength in hard circumstances. That is never easy. As always thanks for sharing with us.

  22. Thomas, even though you’re going through this pain, I’m glad that that person and that person’s insincerity is out of your life. You deserve to be surrounded by genuine, loving people. Take care ❤

  23. This is crappy in the extreme. I know you will get through it – it’s fortunate that you have this great new life at college with all the various environments you are in; even if this person is woven into some of your current life, they won’t be woven into ALL of it.

    This might help: I had friends early in my life, some very close. Some of them I still have, some of them I don’t. Some of those friendships broke up in a storm of horribleness. I took some of that extra hard because my traumatic background led me to react very badly to any form of confrontation (that’s not a criticism of you – or me – just how it is). I have really good, solid friends now who would not do that to me. Life is a process of whittling things down sometimes.

    You have many good people here in this blog world. I know that it was by being honest about my back-story (not oversharing, not to everyone) I developed deeper and more honest friendships. It took me a long time to work that out, though.

    Best wishes winging their way. You’re a decent person and you will prevail. Be kind to yourself.

  24. You are a strong and brave person, Thomas. And you deserve to be loved and you ARE, never forget that, you ARE. Even if that one person betrayed your trust, you are strong and this will only make you stronger. Just try to stay positive (and reading this post, I think you’re already doing that), read a good book, eat good food, spoil yourself a little, reach out to your friends, do things that make YOU happy. Everything will be alright, I know things suck now, but with time it WILL get better. *hugs*

  25. Oh, Thomas… I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m sure you know that things will get better. You are so honest. Thank you, that you are not afraid to open your heart.

    I didn’t have a chance to read this in December, so I left it until next Christmas. With your reading plan there is a chance we’ll finish it together.

  26. Thomas you are so incredibly strong brave courageous amazing. Thanks for being honest, thanks for being hopeful. Thanks for being you. I wish you all the best. No, I wish you more than the best.

    Lots of love,

    -Grace 🙂

  27. Dearest Thomas,
    You continue to awe me with your wisdom – even in the midst of such pain you continue to strive forward, and it’s truly admirable. You have such strength. I am so sorry that you were betrayed and hurt by someone you trusted so much.
    Sending you the biggest, warmest bear hugs from New Zealand.
    Lots of love.

  28. Thomas you are incredibly brave and strong despite everything that has happened to you, and you’ve been incredibly honest through it all (something I know is difficult in the best of circumstances, not even counting the worst). I’m sorry your friend was douchy, esp after you invested so much time to being that person’s friend. I know personally how much that can suck.

  29. Andreas

    Thomas, I felt incredibly sad after reading this post. I know what it felt like to trust someone and to have it broken. I had the same thing too back then. But, you will definitely get through this. I am here if you need someone to talk to and I will help you as much as I can.

    I remember this quote saying: “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

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  31. Take some space for yourself. If you can’t do one of your myriad activities, be kind to yourself, and take a walk, listen to your iPod, or just journal and be. When relationships end, we need space to heal. You’ve come through much in your young life, and you’ll be ok no matter what.

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