Thomas 2.0

Dear J,

One month has passed since you ended our friendship. 28 days have gone by since you took my heart and shattered it in your hands, smiling the whole time.

I could write about anger. I have every right to hate you for the horrible way you treated me. This past month has been a whirlwind of emotion, in which some days I sing “Break Free” at the top of my lungs and others in which I spend hours in a dark haze of memory and regret. You hurt me, and though I do not often feel frustration, I still get upset at myself, for trusting you.

But the idea of anger brings me back to a quote from Jane Eyre, in which Jane’s friend Helen says “life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity.” Every second I spend thinking about you means one less thought given to my true friends, to the issues I care about, and the causes I fight for. And the funny part: no matter how or what I felt, you would not care. You told me yourself many times that you do not care about people, that you pretend to care about people so they will like you. I do not state that as an accusation, rather, I say it as a fact, a truth that you yourself have confirmed.

Some people heal, and some people hurt. You hurt, J. It hurts when I see you laugh with a friend, even though I know you do not care about that person or anyone else. It hurts when I see you post with nonchalant amusement on Facebook, as if you had not just slammed a sledgehammer against someone’s heart a month ago. It hurts, J: you hurt.

But I will heal. Because I know you: you will rise to the top of math research and become a well-renowned professor, you will pretend to care about food insecurity and education, and you will maybe marry someone some day. I hope that if it ever gets to that point, you will have learned how to stop hurting others, because I never ever want anyone else to feel what you did to me, not even you yourself. No matter what, you will walk through life feeling great about yourself, even though you hurt people, just like you hurt me.

So I will work on myself. I will fight to care about myself and accept others’ concern in return. I will rekindle my love for Psychology and English, and I will learn one day to let you go for good. Just because you might read this and laugh to yourself and keep on hurting people, does not mean I will lose faith in the humans around me: no matter how much you, my mother, or anyone else has hurt me, I will heal. I will heal myself, and I will heal others.

All these weeks I thought I needed to find myself again, the old Thomas, the one who cared and loved and laughed despite his pain. But now I know that I must make Thomas 2.0, and I must create him from the ashes of suffering and heartbreak, as I have always done. He will empathize even harder, care even larger, and feel stronger than he has ever been before.

He will be me. I will be me. Just you wait.

On a random note, I met Roxane gay and she signed my book! I also tweeted the selfie I took with her at dinner. #praise

On a random note, I met Roxane Gay and she signed my book! I also tweeted the selfie I took with her at dinner. #praise

I apologize for how my posts have centered on what happened with J, though I do feel that my blog helps me stay true to myself and express how I feel in a healthy way. Also, all of your comments mean the world to me; college has kept me from replying right away, but please know that I read every single one and they all give me so much hope for the world. You guys rock. Thank you.

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7 Comments

Filed under Personal

7 responses to “Thomas 2.0

  1. I am so sorry you are hurting. But you are so right about healing, and being stronger, and better after this.

    I, too, had a friend demolish me–tear everything down–in my youth and it was one of the hardest experiences in my life. But I am so much better without her. It’s taken years to realize that, but I did realize. One day it won’t hurt at all–it will just be a dull pang of what you once had together, something that feels more like a dream than memories.

    We don’t really know each other, but I am so proud and awed by your honesty and ability to be this raw on your blog. Be proud of your strength even when you feel especially weak.

  2. As long as you remain true to you (Remember you changes over time) that’s the important thing.

    It can be very difficult to deal with hurt surrounding such an event, especially when we used to feel great joy.

    That Worn Book Smell was on point !

    -IV

  3. I’ve had this happen to me too-be strong and know that there are other people in your life who love you.

  4. hey man, i’m so sorry about what happens, as you may tell from the comments this kind of rupture happens to a lot of people including myself, i also had a friend who dumbed me because of one of the silliest reasons ever: succeeding in my studies! we were in the same class, i had my degree but he hadn’t, and we don’t talk anymore since that, it hurts at the beginning but then i didn’t only get used to it but also moved on and now i had new friends who make my life even better.
    You’ll move on sooner or later and once that happens you’ll find joy and happiness again.
    cheers ^^

  5. This is your blog and your space – you should definitely post whatever you want. I’m truly sorry that you’re experiencing such terrible hurt, but I have faith in your strength and resilience which shines through even in these tough times. You have a lot to be proud of in yourself 🙂 Keep being you.

  6. A human and humane post. You are a very decent human being. And you are resilient and you will prevail. Write what you need to – we are all here for you.

  7. Kev

    I never really thought about it this way until I read this post, but I guess losing a friend is much like a break up with a partner. You have every right to mourn that friendship, even though he obviously isn’t deserving of your time, but that is often the case. I’m glad you are not letting it take over who you are. There are lots of people who do care for you more worthy of you. It’s great that you are focussing more on them.

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