One month has passed since you ended our friendship. 28 days have gone by since you took my heart and shattered it in your hands, smiling the whole time.
I could write about anger. I have every right to hate you for the horrible way you treated me. This past month has been a whirlwind of emotion, in which some days I sing “Break Free” at the top of my lungs and others in which I spend hours in a dark haze of memory and regret. You hurt me, and though I do not often feel frustration, I still get upset at myself, for trusting you.
But the idea of anger brings me back to a quote from Jane Eyre, in which Jane’s friend Helen says “life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity.” Every second I spend thinking about you means one less thought given to my true friends, to the issues I care about, and the causes I fight for. And the funny part: no matter how or what I felt, you would not care. You told me yourself many times that you do not care about people, that you pretend to care about people so they will like you. I do not state that as an accusation, rather, I say it as a fact, a truth that you yourself have confirmed.
Some people heal, and some people hurt. You hurt, J. It hurts when I see you laugh with a friend, even though I know you do not care about that person or anyone else. It hurts when I see you post with nonchalant amusement on Facebook, as if you had not just slammed a sledgehammer against someone’s heart a month ago. It hurts, J: you hurt.
But I will heal. Because I know you: you will rise to the top of math research and become a well-renowned professor, you will pretend to care about food insecurity and education, and you will maybe marry someone some day. I hope that if it ever gets to that point, you will have learned how to stop hurting others, because I never ever want anyone else to feel what you did to me, not even you yourself. No matter what, you will walk through life feeling great about yourself, even though you hurt people, just like you hurt me.
So I will work on myself. I will fight to care about myself and accept others’ concern in return. I will rekindle my love for Psychology and English, and I will learn one day to let you go for good. Just because you might read this and laugh to yourself and keep on hurting people, does not mean I will lose faith in the humans around me: no matter how much you, my mother, or anyone else has hurt me, I will heal. I will heal myself, and I will heal others.
All these weeks I thought I needed to find myself again, the old Thomas, the one who cared and loved and laughed despite his pain. But now I know that I must make Thomas 2.0, and I must create him from the ashes of suffering and heartbreak, as I have always done. He will empathize even harder, care even larger, and feel stronger than he has ever been before.
He will be me. I will be me. Just you wait.
I apologize for how my posts have centered on what happened with J, though I do feel that my blog helps me stay true to myself and express how I feel in a healthy way. Also, all of your comments mean the world to me; college has kept me from replying right away, but please know that I read every single one and they all give me so much hope for the world. You guys rock. Thank you.