I starved myself for 36 hours straight last week. Several personal issues blew up in my face and I wanted not to feel. I talked to my close friends and went to therapy and started to eat again. This series of tweets illustrates how I feel after eating:
Life sucks. I called a conversion therapist in Virginia because I despise my attraction to men (not in a homophobic way, in a men-disappoint-and-oppress-all-the-time way). I feel foolish and naive for trusting a man who took advantage of me. My close friends tell me I should blame him and that I did the best I could; I know I should believe them, but I still feel like the most unintelligent person in the world. I might fail a class with an oppressive white male professor. I wish I could feel hopeful and I do not.
This post does not serve as a cry for help. I just wanted to share a low point, because low points happen, and right now I cannot muster the strength to pretend to feel any positivity. As Ariana’s tweets suggest, sometimes life just sucks. No fake smile necessary, here.
In the middle of my restricting episode last week, I went on a jog. My iPod’s shuffle feature played “Sober” by Demi Lovato and I cried so hard, snot came out of my nose and splattered the rough brown tile where I sat, near a running lake with beautiful flowing water. I went home and ate some potato chips, which made me feel like an out-of-control loser. But I felt it, and then I went to therapy and talked about it. I still do not feel better. But I feel something, even though I would rather not eat and feel nothing. James Baldwin once wrote “not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” I am trying to face my feelings, for my grandmother, my close friends, and the people I care about, including the readers of this blog. I’m sorry I’m not my strongest self right now. As Demi sings in “Sober,” I’m sorry to myself.
15 responses to “Life Sucks and I Feel No Hope”
I’m sorry you had to go through this. Much love to you
Thank you for your support and solidarity. Means a lot to me.
Remember all the challenges and obstacles in life you’ve overcome. This is another one. You’ll figure out a way to beat this one. I’ve got my money on you. Hang in there, stay strong and stay positive. Feel free to reach out.
Thanks so much for reminding me of the struggles I’ve overcome, that’s super helpful. So grateful that we’ve started reading each other’s blogs regularly. Hope you’re having a wonderful weekend.
I’m very grateful too. I’m eating way too much this weekend (pigged out on all you can eat Japanese food Thursday, ramen Friday, congee, noodle soup for lunch and broken rice with grilled pork and chicken for dinner today). I’m so stuffed.
It’s really tough that there are these low points, but there they are. I do suggest (only a suggestion) that you don’t put pressure on yourself to feel positive. Sometimes we just get through things, because actually life carries while we are trying to feel better and once we have that worked out, it’s easier if we don’t have major messes to mop up.
My other thought is being taken advantage of won’t feel better even if it’s his fault, because you have to live with yourself and not him. It’s more efficient to recognize loss is sad and provide comfort for yourself.
These are great suggestions, thank you! Yes, I have allowed myself to feel sad and distraught over it, as well as reminding myself of my strength and providing compassion to myself. Hope you are well. (:
I’m so sorry you’re going through this low-point. Please don’t feel like you have too apologize to anyone because you feel that you are not your strongest self at this moment in time. It is harder to get by when struggling with mental health than it is when you are filled with hope. To me, reaching out for help when you’ve lost hope is just about as strong as anyone can be. I hope that things start to get easier for you soon.
Thank you so much for this compassionate comment, Jennifer. I wholeheartedly agree that seeking help is a sign of strength. I’m a couple of weeks out now from this post and things are gradually getting better. Hope you are doing alright too.
Take care Thomas. You’re a good guy and the world needs you.
Awwww this comment is so kind, thank you Peter. Hope you’re well.
Thank you for your honesty and thank you for sharing this. You know that EDs work best in secrecy and by telling us, RL friends and your therapist you are going to shit on that restricting and not let it overtake you, right? You are brilliant, if some crappy dead white male is trying to fail you you will overcome that. You are a winner by your own brilliant actions and you have got this. Please reach out to any and all of us. I’m going to ping you a FB messenge and you don’t have to answer but I want to you know there’s a weird middle-aged English lady over here rooting for you. Take care. Be well. Keep contact.
Thank you soooooooooooo much for this compassionate comment Liz, you’re the best! I’m so appreciative of you, your e-friendship has been one of the most meaningful things I’ve gained through blogging. Thank you for your kindness and cheering me on and encouraging me to believe in myself and my strength, which I am definitely starting to do more now that I’m a couple of weeks out from this low point. Reading your blog is also such a comfort to me, appreciate your consistent posting. (:
I admire your ability to be so self-reflexive and headstrong. Hang in there!
Thank you for your kind words, Marli!