As a Queer Person of Color, Making Space to Mourn

Today, I felt guilty for feeling my feelings. I felt guilty because I thought that I should work instead – put together a talk for an upcoming conference, write a research manuscript on masculinity and rape myth acceptance, organize a social justice brownbag series for my doctoral program. But then I played tennis for a couple of hours and in the middle of getting crushed by two white men, I thought, wait a second, not only is it sad that this tennis match is replicating the race dynamics of this country, I also just feel like, really sad right now. I need to make space to mourn.

Queer people of color often do not have the space to mourn. We’re working ourselves constantly to prove our worth in spaces that weren’t made for us, we’re dealing with racism and homophobia that come in the form of both macroaggressions and microaggressions, and we’re putting in the labor to take care of ourselves and our communities. I know one queer person of color feeling his emotions isn’t gonna end systemic oppression, and I know that individual self-care is no substitute for organizing and collective action.

But I don’t want to be like the men of color in my family – and my mother, a woman of color – who refuse to confront their emotions and trauma and suffer as a result. I don’t want to be like the people of color I’ve met who’ve won the most prestigious awards and have published in the most renowned academic journals yet hurt the people they claim to care about. I want to be someone who role models self-care and community-care, who views healing and cultivating self-awareness as processes to commit to for a lifetime.

So I made a lot of space to mourn today. I mourned all the time I spent in my life obsessing over calories and weight loss and how I looked instead of how I felt. I mourned all the lives in this country lost to gun violence, if those lives could have been saved if our country stopped valuing whiteness and maleness and valued racial and gender justice instead. I mourned what my relationships with my parents could look like if not for the model minority myth, intergenerational trauma, and femmephobia. I mourned for my fellow Asian Americans who’ve died by suicide in large part because of stigma in our communities surrounding mental health. I mourned for the romances I could’ve had with men if not for toxic masculinity, internalized capitalism, and my own PTSD.

And I spent a lot of time taking care of myself. I spent an hour running around in the forest and two hours playing tennis. I cried to “in my head” by Ariana Grande while driving to MOM’s Organic Market. At MOM’s Organic Market, I bought some bomb orange juice and Jeni’s ice cream. I started planning a trip with a close friend to my favorite city I have not had the chance to live in yet, Boston. I reread the legacy.com obituary page of my favorite writer, Caroline Knapp, who lived in Boston and wrote about recovering from anorexia while rowing on the Charles River. I reached out to a friend I haven’t seen in a while to get coffee. I wrote this blog post.

I recognize I’m privileged to have had the time to do all of these things. I’m giving myself the rest of the day off. Come tomorrow, I’m recommitting to making a difference in the mental health landscape for queer people of color, for those who haven’t had the space to mourn.

jeni's ice cream selfie mitch

I’m ending this post with this super cute selfie of me, Jeni’s, and my awkward pinky. Jeni’s ice cream: providing me with more emotional support and consistency than literally any man I’ve ever been attracted to. That joke will never get old. Wanna know why? Because it’s essentially the truth.

5 Comments

Filed under Personal

5 responses to “As a Queer Person of Color, Making Space to Mourn

  1. Love your selfie and what an important reminder. I’m trying desperately to carve out spaces for recovery in my life at the moment. As I said to my husband (who, I’m afraid, is not really GETTING it right now: thank goodness I’m not the kind of person to prioritise him over my friends, who are providing good and steadfast comfort and support to me at the moment – that practice works both ways and people who don’t realise that need a shake-up), if I were in another time or place, I’d be heading to the sofa, my bed or a nursing home to have my breakdown uninterrupted by washing and hoovering. Instead, I’m continuing reading just a bit longer than normal at meal times, demanding to watch what I want to watch on the TV and hitting the pillow early. I’m glad you gave yourself the space and time off you need and pleased you have learned about this so young and can be a good model to others.

  2. Your previous post and this one has given me a lot to think about. Is there a step that comes after mourning? Would it be doing some self care?

    The ice cream looks good but I have issues with lactose. I even Googled Jenni’s to find out more about this ice cream you speak so highly about.

    • Thank you for your thoughtful comment and question. I think self-care perhaps is something we can implement throughout the process, as I don’t think mourning ever really ends, only ebbs and flows in its intensity.

      Sorry about your issues with lactose. I appreciate you exerting the energy to Google Jeni’s. (: And I hope you’re doing well!

      • I was wondering if you would consider doing an entry on how to find the right therapist for oneself. How do you know if a therapist is right for you? What qualities do you look for and how do you identify them when you first meet with them?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s