Yesterday in the middle of a Coronavirus-inspired haze, I found myself indoors watching dirty videos. It all felt fun and pleasurable until I came across this comment:
In all honesty, when I first saw that racist comment, I just exited that webpage and found a better use of my time. I feel sad admitting this, but the comment did not surprise me. A lot of people have written about how queer Asian men are fetishized and perceived as subservient by white gays, and I’ve already written about how we as queer Asian men are socialized to desire a white man’s love. This racist comment made me roll my eyes but did not elicit more emotion than that.
Today though, I remembered this comment while out on a socially distant jog. And suddenly I felt pissed. I felt my heart rate rise, my fists clench, and my desire to listen to empowering female Kpop groups elevate to a fever pitch. How dare anyone think that I, as a gay Asian man, was born to fucking suck a white man’s cock? How dare someone dehumanize me and my community by suggesting we want our mouths colonized by white dick? Who the hell is dougw3412 and the 12 people who liked his comment, out here fetishizing queer Asian men when all I’m trying to do is get through a global pandemic while providing mental health support and remaining iconic with my closest friends?
There’s a part of me that wonders if I’m being too angry or sensitive by writing this post. But over the years I’ve learned that being angry and calling out racism is actually an act of compassion, especially for those who are marginalized by white supremacy. As a gay Asian man, a lot of people, especially gay white men, think that I’m some submissive wallflower who, evidently, “lives to suck white cock.” I’m speaking my truth by saying that I will never, ever feel like a white man’s desire for me is important, even if he isn’t explicitly racist. I’m caring and fierce and smart and will always be so much more than a passive receptor for a racial oppressor.
I write all of this especially because I then saw this comment in response to the original racist comment:
Ya’ll, I cringed so hard when I saw that response. I cringe now even putting that response on this blog. The saddest part is that I felt totally unsurprised by the response too, because I know of so many queer Asian men who have been socialized to feel like white guys are the hottest, that they would only want to date a white guy, and more. It’s a sad, angering manifestation of internalized racism because oh my BlackPink, queer Asian men are beautiful and worthy of unconditional love and iconic. Yes, we have to work on our anti-blackness and internalized femmephobia and more. But we have so much potential for racial solidarity and empowerment, and it’s devastating to see fellow queer Asians feel, even subconsciously, like their self-worth is contingent on the love or desire of a white man.
I’ve never really felt drawn to date a white man, probably because I was exposed to K-Pop from a young age and was able to fantasize about certain idols in their tight jeans (currently still crushing on Seungyoon from Winner, lol). But I think there’s a lot we can do to counteract our internalized racism and racism in general. We can reprogram our brains by exposing ourselves to and finding fellow Asian men and other men of color attractive. Beyond that, we can recognize that we all have unique gifts to offer to the world beyond receiving romantic or sexual interest from any man, white or otherwise. Furthermore, as Asians, we can politicize ourselves and actually fight for racial justice and other forms of justice, instead of inhabiting the model minority stereotype carved out for us by white people.
I want to emphasize I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a “bottom” or being submissive. But I do think it’s important that we interrogate our sexual, romantic, and even general relational preferences, to understand who we feel is entitled to our bodies and our minds and our hearts and why. I know I’m iconic because I love myself and what I contribute to the world, and I literally could not care less what a white gay thinks of me. I don’t need a white man’s financial resources, his status in society, or any part of his anatomy because I’ve got my love for myself and the love of the people I care about. Fellow queer Asian American men, I’m not saying you have to be like me. I’m just hoping you love yourselves, too.
Okay ya’ll, this is an image from the movie Monsoon which comes out in June 2020 and I am so excited because it features an interracial relationship between an Asian man and a black man and this is the non-colonialist content we stan! Here is the trailer. Hoping it becomes one of my fav gay films like Front Cover. Image via variety.com.
What are your reactions or feelings about this post or this topic in general? For my fellow people of color, how have you worked to combat internalized or general white supremacy given its prevalence in so many societal contexts? Ya’ll, I literally had another full blog post one click away from being published, but I went on a jog and came back and typed this all out in a fury so this one is for this week and the other post will be shared next week. Yay, writing. Hope ya’ll are staying as safe and healthy as possible.
the quiet voice 
Ugh, PREACH, honestly. Thank you for putting your feelings into words. And this post seriously gives me inspiration/permission to write about a maddening thing that happened to me recently. So thank you for that, too (even if the post never materializes…).
Awwww thank you for validating this rant/post! I’m glad the post inspired you and/or gave you permission to write about what happened to you, I hope you are taking care of yourself/your community amidst that incident. Sending lots of strength and warmth as always. (:
I wish I had a better comment than 🙌🙌🙌🙌 and “yes, you go off!!” we around surrounded by so many ignorant people and standards and so many comments that need to unseen (Seungyoon is a good choice btw XD)
Those emojis and “yes, you go off!!” are more than enough, I’m blessed to receive them! Totally agree that there are way too many unnecessary and bigoted comments out there. Thanks also for validating my small crush on Seungyoon, I find him sooooo cute lol.
Yeah … there’s stuff like Asian slaves for white men that is just so stupid and racist. So keep fighting the good fight.
I saw the trailer the other day and can’t wait for it to come out.
Stay safe and take care.
That IS so stupid and racist! Thank you for naming the racism especially. Glad you’re also excited for the film. Hope you are going on walks, practicing photography, and doing all else that can bring you some peace and/or joy during this trying period.
This makes me so upset!! My husband and I were actually talking about Asian fetishization over dinner the other night because since we were talking about how “yellow fever” still persists/Asians are still commonly fetishized for being subservient. I’m particularly aware of it because from the outside, I know I experience a certain amount of privilege (and scrutiny) for marrying a white man, though I have dated other Asians in the past and have found myself attracted to other POC. I just happened to fall in love with and marry this person. And I had to deconstruct a lot of that attraction to make sure it was genuine – is it because I was whitewashed into believing he was better for me? What is the basis of our relationship? Does he respect me in his words and actions? Will he understand that I have a perspective that he will never understand but will have to try? And because I’m very close to white-passing, what will it mean for our future kids? How do we continue to educate ourselves and others for the betterment of the future?
At the heart of it, I love your sentence here: “But I do think it’s important that we interrogate our sexual, romantic, and even general relational preferences, to understand who we feel is entitled to our bodies and our minds and our hearts and why.”
Not quite the same, but was talking to a friend earlier this week about how people with personalities prone to people-pleasing often find themselves in abusive relationships, and once you realize that, it’s hard to deconstruct that need for praise/realizing self-worth/recognizing that you deserve better. But the work still has to be done because you do deserve better!!
Anyways, always happy to see you speaking out and being upset about things like this. For some, it can be written off as innocuous, but it’s the small “harmless” things that point to a pervasive idea. Also very excited for Monsoon and so happy you are, too!!!
Cat, so appreciate your deep introspection and your willingness to question yourself and your relationships, which is what I try to do too. It’s neat that you bring up the notion of how people with personalities prone to people-pleasing often find themselves in abusive relationships. While I don’t think you’re saying this at all, I’ve heard people use that as an excuse to blame the people who are people-pleasing as opposed to the abuser who is abusive – yet, I imagine it’s patriarchy that creates the abuser in the first place as well as the deficit in self-compassion in the people pleaser that creates the dynamic in the first place. Just commenting on that part of your comment in particular because it makes me think about how nuanced these topics are, like with queer Asians who’ve internalized white supremacy: how much do we hold the overarching system of oppression accountable as opposed to the individual who colludes in it, or both, etc.
Thanks for validating my emotions and this post! I recognize this isn’t really the biggest deal compared to more overt and direct experiences of racism, but it still annoyed me so I figured I might as well write about it. (:
Good for you for speaking out and eww to those people. I’ve always felt a bit guilty and weird for only dating within my own ethnicity, I have had friends from all ethnicities but somehow did that and not even sure why. Certainly not because I felt these white males were superior to others, however.
Thanks for validating my speaking out, Liz! So important that we engage in introspection even when it feels uncomfortable, so I appreciate you taking a step in that direction. Hope you are doing as well as possible during this trying time.
I have thought about it for years but it’s not something I could write about directly as my blog being public isn’t exactly a safe space for me to share personal stuff. Doing OK thanks, taking each day as it comes and being careful of ourselves and others.
The more I’ve grown up and have been able to reject internalized white supremacy, I love that I can see my own attractions being decolonized. I remember being a young person thinking I needed a white person to romantically validate me. Seeing beauty in and experiencing love with primarily other people of color has changed my perspective on life and love and my own worth SO much. More interracial love stories without white people are important. I’m excited to see Monsoon!!
Aw Jas I love this, thank you for sharing your narrative and your experience! So great to hear that decolonization can happen and that we can grow and change in ways that are so meaningful and beautiful. Interracial love stories without white people are important. Yay for Monsoon!
I have read a lot about people shaming porn stars, especially when it comes to people of color. I totally understand your anger. I recently read about the story of a porngraphy blogger from China who is now living in u.k., and how she deal with the hate comments towards her (mostly from her own country!! wtf i mean seriously) But she got some great iconic comments during an interview and it’s a comfort to see how intelligent she is. I also realized that people can be extra nasty on this sort of sites. they feel like they can be the judge of people’s skin, body shape, and everything else. And like this dude, he obviously has so many issues… but he definitely doesn’t know.
xin
I forgot to mention this in my earlier comment, but I would be curious to hear your thoughts on this essay by Jenny Zhang: https://www.rookiemag.com/2015/04/far-away-from-me/
> the paralyzing expectations and pressures we put on people of color, especially politically outspoken people of color, to make sure our personal lives and our sex lives do not contradict ANY of our political beliefs. The pressure, in essence, for people of color—especially outspoken activists of color who are taking the difficult step of publicly engaging with these systems of oppression—to be perfect in all aspects of our lives, public and private. That not only are we supposed to be educating any and all ignorant people on centuries of interlocking systems of oppression—and in a manner that is calm, nice, articulate, and patient, no less—but we also have to make sure that everyone whose mouths we want to kiss and faces we want to touch faces to has to be thoroughly vetted and pose no difficulty, challenge, or contradiction to our beliefs, otherwise everything we’ve ever fought for or said is automatically discredited. No big deal. No pressure, right?
Okay I have SO many thoughts on this essay that I probably need to write another blog post to address them all. I think it’s a great start but I do think Jenny Zhang could have gone deeper, which I also recognize is my personal bias. For example, after the passage you share, she writes:
“How could I have loved these men who wanted a living China doll instead of a three-dimensional woman? Instead of me? And yet I did. I loved them. I felt enormous tenderness for them. I confided things to them. I became brave in their presence and because of their presence and in spite of their presence in my life. At times, I even felt seen. In the end, there was nothing liberatory or decolonized about those relationships, but still, there were moments of love that meant something to me. Still, I am not ready to consider celibacy my only option to a liberated, decolonized love.”
She also writes:
“The search for a decolonized love implicates all of us. You can’t put a person of color in a world that devalues them at every turn and reminds them constantly of all the privileges and immediate praise heaped on white people for simply being born to a body that passes and reads as white, and then expect people of color to not want the security and immediate validity associated with whiteness. You can’t shame and chastise those of us who seek that very security and immediate validity by association, sometimes by romantic association, sometimes by aspiring to and/or conspiring with that whiteness in other ways.”
But I’m also like: why can’t we search for decolonized love?? Why can’t we love other POC and refuse whiteness?? I get the notion that we shouldn’t just blame POC for dating white people or trying to assimilate to whiteness sometimes given the systemic pressures that make whiteness appealing, yet I know for myself I only want close friends and a potential lover who are as similarly passionate about fighting white supremacy, both structurally and internally. Overall I’m glad Zhang addresses the topic of whiteness and is vulnerable about her experience, though at the same time I’m desiring more narratives about POC who actively resist and overturn whiteness in our journey to love ourselves.
Ugh that is so gross! I’m so sorry you have to put up with ignorant and dumb people with their xenophobic and racist so-called “jokes”. Honestly, dougw3412 needs to sort his shit out. Loving your blog posts, keep it up!
He truly does need to sort his shit out! Thank you for taking the time to read and to comment and for your validation and encouragement. (:
Hey, this is Thi, a friend from Goodreads. Just wanna say you have beautiful words, and I’m really happy to know that you’re a Vietnamese American!!
Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by and read and comment Thi! Yes, yay Vietnamese pride! I appreciate your words of encouragement about my writing and hope you’re doing as well as possible. (: