What Matters

Oh my goodness screaming: I matched at H*rvard Medical School for my final year of my Psychology PhD program! The email arrived in my inbox at 5:06AM yesterday, right after I rolled out of bed and brushed my teeth in my Seattle hotel room. I feel excited because this position focuses on conducting therapy and research related to serving marginalized and vulnerable populations in the Boston area, which aligns so well with my values.

I visited Seattle so I could spend the days before and after match with my bff Bri! Here is the fantastic dinner we had the night before the Match results.

Also omfg there’s a cafe that sells acai bowls within walking distance of my hotel room and I’m LIVING. I’m fruity and so are these bowls and that’s why we stan (feat. a random meat bun).

In some ways this match process reminds me of when I graduated from undergrad in 2017. The psychology department at my college gave out three different awards. That year, no one won the award about community outreach, two students split the award for overall outstanding Psychology major, and I won the third award for academic excellence in Psychology.

I remember standing on the stage as one of my professors talked about my accomplishments. My college had a ton of Psychology majors so the auditorium had been packed with people’s loved ones. When my professor read aloud her kind words about my high GPA, research productivity, and extracurricular involvement, I remember thinking to myself: none of this matters.

Looking back, of course the accomplishments mattered given how much my mentors invested in me so I could achieve. These accomplishments improved the material conditions of my life as well. At the same time, they felt meaningless in contrast to the internal work I had done throughout my undergraduate years, where I spent over two years in ongoing outpatient individual therapy, struggling and recovering from PTSD. At times, I felt like my brain had been literally set on fire due to the intensity of my flashbacks and the emotional overwhelm of it all. While I invested myself in my academic and professional roles, I really threw my whole heart and soul into developing my internal self into the person I wanted to embody: someone self-aware, kind, and willing to work through their issues. On the auditorium stage, though, no one knew about what I felt most proud of other than me.

I feel similarly now. I worked hard and matched at this pretty prestigious pretty site. While I appreciate the flourishing of my clinical and research skills, my internal growth matters just as much if not more – learning to relax my tendencies toward control and perfectionism, recognizing that just because someone has a stated commitment to social justice does not mean they will necessarily enact that commitment to social justice interpersonally or to those with less power than them, and further refining what I value in friendship. Also, I accomplished all of this without a male romantic partner, so Thomas: 1, amatonormativity and heteronormativity: 0.

I will move to Cambridge/Boston in late May or early June and I do feel a bit intimidated because I have not moved across multiple states ever in my entire life. However, I can worry about that later, so right now I’m sitting with a lot of gratitude. I feel grateful to my grandmother who passed along her compassion and nurturance to me, and I even feel grateful for the positive traits my other family members gave me, minus the trauma. I feel grateful for writer Caroline Knapp for inspiring me to live a life where I prioritize self-awareness and self-insight, genuine vulnerability, and challenging the status quo. Right now, I feel most grateful for this blog and my 1.82 readers, for giving me a space to share honestly about my life for over a decade now. All these elements of my life remind me of what really matters.

Excited to move to Cambridge/Boston so I’m closer to the Charles River where Caroline Knapp rowed her way out of anorexia! If you hear or see a Gaysian with colorful hair screaming pop song lyrics near the Charles River from June 2022 to June 2023, it’s most likely me. (Image by John Burk.)

How do you remind yourself of what really matters to you in your life? Any tips for moving long distances to help prevent me from shaking, crying, and throwing up the entire time? Yayyyy I’m so glad the waiting process for residency is over and I know where I’m headed next yayyyy. Until next post!