Gay People Move Too

Can you believe that gay people have to move too? Honestly me neither. Not only do I have to deal with the idealization of mediocre gay white men within the gay community, emotional unavailability/unresolved emotional baggage from the few men I have been interested in, and heteronormativity – I have to sell and pack my furniture and set up utilities and wifi too? Please knock me out and wake me up when Le Sserafim, Blackpink, or Twice releases their next comeback so I can jog to it while screaming along the Charles River.

Obviously I’m joking in that I have a ton of privileges and having to move is a piece of cake compared to hardships other people face in life. At the same time I have felt a wee bit stressed. So, I wanted to write this more casual post as a sort of interlude, in the form of specific strategies I’m using to cope with the moving stress, drawing from various therapy orientations. I love writing therapy-related blog posts instead of wasting time contending with mediocre men!

1. Breaking things down into smaller steps from cognitive behavioral therapy. As a self-proclaimed dainty gay, I really do not like logistical activities, and moving involves a sometimes overwhelming number of logistical activities. Sitting across from someone sharing their deepest life traumas, concerns with intimacy, and/or fears about the future? I’d take that any day over putting my belongings into a box. One strategy I have thus used involves breaking down the huge task of moving into more manageable bits, and then I try to accomplish one to three moving related tasks per day – such as putting up a piece of furniture for sale on Facebook marketplace, emailing my roommate about what Ikea lamp we want in our living room, or calling Xfinity to set up my wifi. When I use this strategy, I also try to honor what I have accomplished already – like how I sold my big bookshelf a couple of days ago, yay – instead of only naming what I need to do moving forward.

2. Practicing present moment awareness from dialectical behavior therapy. As a self-proclaimed type A adjacent gay, sometimes I direct a lot of my attention to what tasks I need to accomplish to move my life forward. Thus, I have made an intentional effort to enjoy different activities I do while I do them instead of only focusing on moving. I try to savor the stretch of my leg muscles when I jog to “Focus” by Ariana Grande or play tennis, the laughter I share with my friends when I talk with them in-person or over zoom or Skype, and the intellectual and emotional immersion I feel when I read a great book.

3. Reflecting on my values from acceptance and commitment therapy. As a self-proclaimed deep gay, I try to think about what I do and why I do them unlike some of the men I’ve gone on dates with, okay I’ll stop roasting men at this point and just to be clear I have gone on some dates with nice thoughtful if not boring guys where we just didn’t connect more deeply, so. The other day I drove back from visiting a friend in D.C. and reminded myself that I am engaging in these day to day monotonous and time-consuming moving tasks to get me closer to my goal of working as a licensed psychologist helping to empower marginalized communities. When I honor this deeper purpose I feel a little less annoyed by moving, or at least more able to contextualize my annoyance within the broader vision of my life and my life values.

How have you coped with moving or similar stressful tasks? Do you think you could apply any of the above strategies to other areas of your life? I definitely don’t operate solely from a cognitive and behavioral perspective though these interventions stood out to me in writing this post. General reactions to this post? Hope you are all well.

Also I went back to black hair which I will write about in my next post! This is a teaser.


Filed under Personal

11 responses to “Gay People Move Too

  1. Kartavya Ratate

    Love these strategies you share here! Honestly, I had kinda seen this post coming considering all your recent updates over Twitter about the moving out process (hope the bug situation is under control, omg). So, wishing that the process goes as smoothly as it can for you. Please take care. 🙂

    • Haha yes I love that I’m predictable in this way, thank you for this supportive comment and I’ve radically accepted that bug may end my life as we know it and that’s okay! I hope you are doing as well as possible and appreciate you reading and stopping by. (:

  2. Good strategies there! Have you met your roommate in person / flatmate? I think I missed that bit. My husband is dainty! He hates moving and isn’t very practical, but I’m non-dainty enough for the two of us. Not that I like it – I was just thinking the other day that if we achieve our aim one day of getting a place in Spain, I’m going to miss my tree I’ve grown from a tiny plant to a great big fluffy tree!

    Anyway: you have got this.

    • Thanks Liz! Yes I have virtually met my roommate and talked with him quite a few times now about logistical things. He’s nice and communicative! Omg I’d love to hear more about this motivation for a place in Spain. Also wow at you growing a tree I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that. Appreciate your support, it’s getting done bit by bit!

      • The Spain thing is because my husband really suffers badly from SAD. He has a bit of money put aside and we’re hoping to buy a small bolt-hole in Spain as soon as we can, so he can get out there for the light regularly through the winter (I will probably go less regularly so the house and cats are kept going OK, but will then be able to take friends there in the summer!). We’re busily learning Spanish and researching locations. The aim would probably be to eventually go for citizenship and live there in retirement. I have distant Spanish ancestry so it feels like something of a homecoming for me.

        And the tree thing (it’s the acer that was on FB a few days ago), I bought a small plant, planted it in the flowerbed, 15 years later, it’s grown into a tree, that’s all that happened, really!

  3. There’s a lot of planning and work when you’re moving. All those things to wind down and things to set up. I thought you have a roommate / flatmate – aren’t things like internet shared? Or you have to get your own? May your move be very uneventful and even boring. I guess you’ll have to drive or ship your car to Boston?

    I like how you plan and think things through. I also like that you focus on the long term goal and validate that each step, each task, no matter how unpleasant and tiresome is a part of the journey to meet your goal.

    One of these days, I would love to see how you work, how you plan out your day and be so productive (and also read so many books). Sometime times I think you have a clone(s). They are the ones with colourful hair and the picture of you now is the real you.

    Take care! 🙂

    • Yes thanks for asking these questions! I intend to drive to Boston and I am splitting internet and utilities with my roommate yay. Appreciate your appreciation of my planning orientation and how I try to process through all of this. Haha maybe I will write more about how I work though it’s not super exciting content in my opinion, perhaps I can try to weave it into a more compelling narrative at some point. I feel like having more than one of me would be a lot though not necessarily in a bad way. I hope you are well this week. (:

  4. Gays do indeed move! Just moved from the northwest to the midwest to begin a new life. Stuff hasn’t arrived in my new home yet, and I’m not looking forward to trying to fit my things in my boyfriend’s already full apartment. Perhaps I can try some biofeedback.

    • Thanks for this gay moving solidarity! I hope that your move to the midwest so far has gone as smoothly as possible and that you’ve found ways to decompress even with the stressful parts of the process.

  5. Instant follow on the comment of the gay white men in our community! I’m glad to have read this today.

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