The Success Frame

Growing up, my mother expected perfection from me. As a child, I found her constant evaluation hurtful and invalidating, especially when combined with her general emotional abuse. Even though I considered academics more as a ticket to escape my mother than as a metric of my self-worth, I think I internalized my mother’s voice a bit, like when I cried after getting a 4 instead of a perfect 5 on the AP Biology exam, even though I didn’t really care about biology at all.

A little while ago I read about the success frame, a concept created by sociologists Dr. Jennifer Lee and Dr. Min Zhou. A simplified version of their argument: Chinese and Vietnamese immigrants in the United States expect their children to graduate from an elite university with an advanced degree and a job that can net a sizable income; achieving this isn’t special, it’s expected. Reading about this framework helped me understand my mother’s view of me and how I consider my own accomplishments. I usually ignore my own accomplishments, not just because of the privilege I had that helped my success, rather, I think of being stellar in my field as the baseline. Of course I’m going to get a “prestigious” academic job and excel in clinical work as a PhD-level service provider, that’s just the standard. Even though I don’t condone my mother’s abuse or my father’s neglect, the success frame aspect of my mother’s parenting has benefitted me in some ways, such as empowering me to take the steps I need to get what I want and motivating me to work hard even when I encounter barriers and challenges along the way.

One of the drawbacks of the success frame is that it doesn’t include things like practicing self and community-care for your mental health or slowing down and feeling your feelings. I confided in one of my supervisors last week about how I’m staring down a big life shift – when I move to Philly over the summer, I may stay there forever, like until I die not to be a dramatic gaysian h*e for Twice lol , whereas for undergrad and grad school and residency I always anticipated having to move. Not only that, I’ll have to navigate the workforce as a queer Asian American, in which I’ve already received messages to do research on diversity issues while simultaneously keeping my head down and not being too disruptive to the status quo. As a first step to all of these other transitions, I’ll actually need to physically move again to a new city, like ugh I’m already attracted to men one of whom I’m currently pining over, don’t look at me why do I have to face more stress! All of this is to say that it feels comforting to give myself space to acknowledge all these upcoming transitions and the emotions they inspire.

I’m taking time to honor my successes too. With my upcoming PhD graduation I will have achieved my childhood goal of working as a psychologist. I have amazing friends who I love a lot and who love me. I engage in fun hobbies, like over-disclosing about my life on the internet, that help keep my life balanced and interesting so that I do not derive all my self-worth or self-efficacy from one domain.

About a week ago in the middle of a work day I checked in with myself and my feelings and thought: you know, I’m approaching tiredness and want a break. So I listened to that emotion and scheduled some time off in March to visit one of my best friends in New York City, yay! We’re going to celebrate our successes, both on the vocational front and on the personal front (e.g., maintaining our thriving friendship, not settling for mediocre m*n, etc.) When I last visited her in November I didn’t know how I’d fare on the job market so I didn’t want to spend any money on books; I don’t think we even set foot into a bookstore. Now that I know I’ll be privileged enough to make a living wage with some money left over unless I accidentally spend it all because of my inability to budget hashtag used all my brain cells stanning “OMG” by NewJeans, I’m excited to blow some funds on books and food, symbols of our beautiful friendship.

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How do you remind yourself to slow down amidst the potential chaos of life? What messages did you receive from your parents or broader society that you either benefit from or try to move away from? How excited are you for Twice’s new title track “Set Me Free” and their mini-album Ready to Be coming out this Friday?? All of the teasers for “Set Me Free” sound promising so I’m tentatively excited. Hope you are all except for those who haven’t yet read and have no intention of reading Post-Traumatic by Chantal Johnson well and until next post!

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