Earlier this week I talked with my therapist about my man struggles. Over a lagging video call, I shared my frustrations about how I have not had a serious crush on a guy for a few months and how I do not know if or when I will ever desire a specific man again.
“It’s not even that having a boyfriend would improve any area of my life, because my life is already complete,” I said. “I just wish I knew now if I would meet a guy on February 8, 2022. Or at 3pm on April 5, 2023. Or if I just will never meet a man I want to date and fall in love with.”
“But what would you be missing if you never met a man you fell in love with?” she asked.
“Literally nothing,” I said. “It’s just the not knowing.”
After this session, I thought a lot about how the unexpectedness of whether I will meet a man who I want to
dominate me date bothers me. Unlike a lot of people I know, I feel so content and complete with myself, my closest friends, and my various ways of trying to make a difference in the world. Continue reading
Sometimes I try to avoid coming off as a smart or intelligent person. For example, I am in a top-ranked Psychology PhD program, but I detest talking about my research or my academics with my closest friends. A few months ago, I realized that I had published some articles in top Psychology peer-reviewed journals like Psychology of Addictive Behaviors and Appetite and felt gross about it, to the point where I posted a dramatic Facebook status asking if researchers can indeed have hearts. When one of my friends entering a Psychology PhD program in the fall praised me on the phone the other day for being super smart, I felt a sliver of my soul shrivel up and ascend into the afterlife, aka, a land with unlimited Jeni’s ice cream and books and upbeat pop music.
After reflecting on it, I realize I dislike associating myself with intelligence because of all the emotionally undeveloped and/or cruel smart people I know. Continue reading
After over 530,000 views, 400 posts, and 4,300 comments, I almost cannot believe today marks this blog’s three year anniversary. I feel guilty for not posting for so long
and I need to throw in an incentive for people to still read this anyway like who actually reads this anymore so here’s a picture of me in heels from senior year:
I need to wear these more often. They really enhance your height. And your calves.
I officially finished my finals – and my first semester of college – just yesterday. Continue reading