In my pre-teen years, I gained a somewhat large internet following through writing Naruto fanfiction on fanfiction.net. While I always wrote stories that occurred within the original Naruto series, other writers created narratives that occurred in alternative universes, or AUs, like if the characters went to modern-day high schools or worked in modern-day bars or nightclubs. This past week, I reflected on an alternate universe in which my situationship with my former crush, AWLOB, played out differently. Continue reading
Tag Archives: gay
After experiencing my mom’s abuse as a child, I knew around the age of 12 that I wanted to dedicate my life to helping people and making a difference. Over a decade ago, as a kid, life felt arbitrary and meaningless – like, what force decided that I would be born into a family with this cruel and dysregulated monster? Somehow I decided to create my own purpose: if I could not control the circumstances of my birth, I would take charge of my destiny and devote myself to empathy and compassion.
Now, at 25, life feels replete with opportunities to help others. Continue reading
Earlier this week I talked with my therapist about my man struggles. Over a lagging video call, I shared my frustrations about how I have not had a serious crush on a guy for a few months and how I do not know if or when I will ever desire a specific man again.
“It’s not even that having a boyfriend would improve any area of my life, because my life is already complete,” I said. “I just wish I knew now if I would meet a guy on February 8, 2022. Or at 3pm on April 5, 2023. Or if I just will never meet a man I want to date and fall in love with.”
“But what would you be missing if you never met a man you fell in love with?” she asked.
“Literally nothing,” I said. “It’s just the not knowing.”
After this session, I thought a lot about how the unexpectedness of whether I will meet a man who I want to
dominate me date bothers me. Unlike a lot of people I know, I feel so content and complete with myself, my closest friends, and my various ways of trying to make a difference in the world. Continue reading
Over the past month or so I thought about whether I should change my red hair back to black, or even to a tamer brown. In the next couple of years, I will apply for my psychology predoctoral internship as well as for a faculty position or postdoc. Because of white supremacist professionalism, I figured I may want to play it safe and revert to a more common hair color. Then, BlackPink’s “Lovesick Girls” came out and Rosé wrecked me as well as everyone else on this planet with her fabulous pink hair. Upon witnessing her gorgeous emotive performance in the “Lovesick Girls” music video, I thought to myself, oh, I have to go pink now. I chose to color my hair pink because pink represents my commitment to accepting and loving myself as a femme queer Vietnamese American who survived an eating disorder and PTSD, who does not care about fitting into white supremacist and patriarchal societal standards.
My journey of self-love and self-acceptance started with my grandmother. Continue reading
If you read this blog, you know I dislike my attraction to men. I always say that I love being gay, I just disdain feeling romantic attraction toward a gender socialized to be uncommunicative, uncaring, and unself-aware. In my day to day life my attraction to men affects me very little because I feel fulfilled by my intimate friendships and more casual friends, I have meaningful ways to contribute to compassion and social justice, and I love myself. This past week though, I reflected on another reason I wish I were not attracted to men: if I were to be with a guy, I would want someone who has and continues to work on himself, which I have no control over.
I feel like this prerequisite frustrates me because I like planning and some level of control. Continue reading
Several hours ago, I went on a date with this guy who works in geographic information science. What we talked about felt fine – him considering getting a PhD and my feelings about almost having one, him resisting stereotypical images of Black men growing up and me loving myself as a gay Asian man in my mid-twenties, him wanting a spontaneous romantic partner and me wanting a social justice-oriented one. Toward the end of the date though, I recognized that I felt bored. This guy came across as kind, self-aware, and communicative, yet I noticed I had not laughed once. So, on my way back home I texted him and said that I would enjoy a casual friendship or friends with benefits situation, given that I did not feel any romantic chemistry.
I love how this played out because I felt no sense of defeat. Continue reading
“It sounds like you may be into athletic guys, too,” my therapist said a few weeks ago, as we talked about my attraction to men.
Over Therapy Portal, I gave her my signature skeptical look:
“Okay, let me explain,” she said. “You’re very athletic. You jog, you play tennis, so I wonder if you’d be looking for the same in someone else.”
After my therapist asked me this, I spent the next few weeks reflecting on my relationship with athleticism. Continue reading
Oftentimes I despise feeling attracted to men. I love my gayness, it just sucks to be into men because we’re socialized to be uncommunicative, uncaring, and overall unsatisfying. Most days I wish I could choose not to be attracted to men, because then I wouldn’t risk abandoning my values or settling for someone mediocre.
About a week ago I felt super angsty reflecting on how I have no choice being attracted to men. Continue reading
The other day I took a break from doing research and listened to “Red Flavor” by Red Velvet, a summery, shimmery K-Pop song from 2017. While this masterpiece of a summer song filled my mind with its dynamic beats and addictive melodies, I reflected on the overall quality of my life because instead of being able to do useful things in the external world like cook or put together furniture, I introspect. One of my best friends and I finished a super fun rewatch of Avatar: The Last Airbender a few days ago, and I ordered my other best friend a colorful customized cake for her 25th birthday. I enjoy the taste of food without guilt – shout out to fruity yogurt with citrus-flavored snacks – and savor the stretch and tautness of my body when I play tennis. I feel connected to my online community and bask in my vibrant red hair. When I thought about all of this, I realized: wow, I feel a lot of joy in my life right now.
At first, I felt some guilt for feeling joy. Continue reading