Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson

Cover via Goodreads.

Rating: 3/5 stars.

Let’s Pretend This Never Happened acts as the autobiography of Jenny Lawson, better known as The Bloggess. She writes about various anecdotes, ranging from her experience with a talking squirrel to her social anxiety issues at parties. Written in a stream-of-consciousness style, it will most likely please fans of her blog, as well as others who want a funny book to read.

While I liked Jenny Lawson’s voice and her crazy life, I myself did not find Let’s Pretend This Never Happened funny, which was the foundation of the book.

Struck By Lightning by Chris Colfer

Cover via Goodreads.

Rating: 2/5 stars.

Struck By Lightning: The Carson Phillips Journal by Chris Colfer details Carson Phillips’ struggle to gain admission to the school of his dreams: Northwestern University. He absolutely abhors everyone in his small, narrow-minded town – everyone aside from his ailing grandmother and depressed mom. When he realizes that he needs to create a literary journal to bolster his chances of acceptance, he blackmails various people from myriad social groups to write for him.

I empathized with Carson. Trust me, I did. I don’t live in the most conservative, small-minded town ever, but my area is far from New York City or Los Angeles. My yearning for college stems from my need to experience a different setting. In that respect I connected to Carson; his development in the ending spoke to me as well.

However, overall, I detested Carson. Lately I’ve read books with unlikable characters who are unlikable for no reason – like Carson, they’re not fleshed out or written well.

Finding Funny

Today, I was accused of sleeping with a female friend.

Today, also, I had a friend come to my house for the first time in about four years.

It felt so strange when she entered the front door. To see a living, breathing, friend step foot into where I reside. The last time I had a friend over was in middle school, and that had ended badly. He had touched and repositioned a globe precious to my mom, and she yelled at him right in front of me. Needless to say, that experience scarred me for quite some time and left me hesitant to have anyone over.

We both sent texts to our parents, and surprisingly, they acquiesced to our requests and allowed my friend to come over.

Bossypants by Tina Fey

Cover via Goodreads.

Rating: 4/5 stars.

“It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don’t like something, it is empirically not good. I don’t like Chinese food, but I don’t write articles trying to prove it doesn’t exist.”

Tina Fey is an impressively intellectual woman. It is sad when people assume that just because a woman is beautiful or attractive, she cannot be smart or funny, and vice versa – because women like Tina Fey turn that stereotype upside down. In Bossypants, she shows her famous sense of humor, as well as her deeply developed thoughts on topics ranging from American beauty standards to the show business.

Beauty Queens by Libba Bray

You cannot imagine the suspicion caused by this cover... Cover via Goodreads.

Rating: 5/5 stars.

I wish I had enough money to buy every girl attending my high school a copy of Beauty Queens. Actually, I wish I had enough money to buy every girl from the age of 15 to 21 a copy of this book. I bow down to Libba Bray for pulling off such a crazy concept – a plane of beauty pageant contestants crash on an island – when it could have gone horribly wrong in the hands of a less competent author.

On the outside, Beauty Queens is about an ensemble of shallow, teenaged girls surviving on an island. But, just like the girls themselves, it offers much more. Bray tackles a wide array of tough subjects like male vs. female double standards and GLBT tolerance with skillful satire and impressive honesty.

Some books you read in silence. Beauty Queens isn’t one of those books. Libba Bray holds nothing back in her upbraiding of the superficial nature of society, yet it never gets overwhelming – the humor in this book is wonderfully witty and refreshing. I laughed out loud so many times I regret not buying a copy so I could note when the funniest moments took place. Almost every other page contained a joke or wisecrack that made me smile, like when one contestant states the importance of aiding non-Americans after being asked her favorite color.

I probably haven’t done this book justice, so I’ll just tell you to go out and get a copy to read. ASAP. I had my doubts after reading and disliking Going Bovine by Bray, but Beauty Queens has placed her on my list of authors to watch out for. Definitely recommended.

Do you mind if I…?

Image via buffalochow.com

I approach the man handing out cheese bread samples and extend my hand,” Do you mind if I I take one?”

“Yeah,” he nods.

“So… I can’t take one?” I ask.

“No, go ahead,” he replies.

“Wait – no, as in no? Sorry, I’m confused…” I say,” Should I-”

“Next!” he says.

–

Oh, the awkward moments created by this question. A couple of Sundays ago that happened to me at Wegmans. I suppose most people would have assumed that they could have just taken the bread – that’s why the guy is standing there – to hand out free samples. Yet his response to my question unnerved me: what if he didn’t want me to take a sample? What if he so happened to be standing there just for show? Maybe his tactic was to deny everyone a sample so that they would have to purchase the product. You never know.

Either way, there were people waiting behind me, so that would’ve been a lot of disappointed customers. I shouldn’t have been trying to get the cheese bread anyway, because I’m so fat I had other things to do. Like read. And eat innocent little children. Wait, that’s only on Saturdays…

Back to the point. When people ask the question “Do you mind if I…?” people generally respond by saying yes, even if what they mean is no. For example…

“Thomas, I love your blog,” she said,” do you mind if I subscribe?”

“Yes, of course you can,” I said.

In this case I’m stating that she should feel free to subscribe, but by saying yes I’m implying that I do mind if she subscribes – so that means I don’t want her to subscribe. Even when I do. Am I making any sense? Probably not. I’ll go back to my awkward corner of prolonged loneliness now.

Has something similar happened to any of you guys? I decided to write this little post after having answered and asked this question many times, in which I always was left feeling disoriented. I’m cool, I know.

The (in)effectiveness of To-Do Lists

As I stated in my previous post, I have been inundated with a myriad of everyday tasks such as schoolwork and the like (high-five for the SAT vocab, anyone? Internet hug? Please?)

Anyway, I constructed a to-do list early last week. Sunday night I wrote all the things I wanted to accomplish Monday. You can see the list below.

I had to put pencils over the things that contained personal information, because I'm secretly in the FBI. You know...

Throughout the day as I completed each task I highlighted it and proceeded to feel amazing because I could track all of my achievements. It was going splendidly until 10:oo PM Monday night…

I had just finished my last tidbit of homework. Then, as I scanned over my almost finished list, I experienced something only a bit short of an epiphany, a realization of sorts – there were two things that I had to do before 11:00 PM, when I wanted to go to sleep. I had the choice of either watching It’s Academic on NBC, or studying SAT Math for half an hour. I knew I couldn’t do both, because SAT math is an abhorrent abomination designed specifically to slaughter my brain cells.

So, as the over-achieving Asian I am, I decided to do neither and read instead. Hey, it’s better than fanboying SHINee and Key for hours on end. Not like I do that or anything. Cough.

Do you find to-do lists useful? I would have continued with them, but I realized that if I don’t get one thing done my OCD kicks in and sends me spiraling into depression. Yeah…

I missed the trash can.

Being Denied a Seat on the Bus

… is possibly the most irritating thing that has ever happened to me. No, that’s a hyperbole. But imagine this:

You run down the pathway, grimacing as the harsh rain pours on your backpack and belongings. Occasionally glancing to the right, you wonder when the mustard-colored transportation vehicle that promises an interior of warmth and dryness will arrive.

You see the school bus. You don’t hesitate to run toward it like a freak; it’s not like anyone important is watching anyway. As you enter, the bus driver kindly greets you – a promise of safe travel and heated air. Then, you turn around and blanch.

Almost all the seats are filled except two, both of which contain only one person. One is up towards the front, to your right. The other is a longer distance near the back, to the left. You proceed to the seat on the right and approach the individual already sitting, a teenage male listening to his IPod.

“May I please sit here?” you ask, with a smile radiating sunshine and songbirds.

He shakes his head, muttering something unintelligible.

You recoil. Did he just deny you a seat on a public bus? Surely this cannot be happening. It’s raining outside, for crying out loud.

You make sure you are not misinterpreting his body language by reiterating. “Excuse me?”

He moves his head side to side, in a motion that makes you furious. To add to the damage, the impetuous individual decides to point in the direction of the only other seat available, sentencing you to a walk down the aisle crowded with bulging backpacks and bulbous body parts.

You vow to remember his face.

–

That last line was only added for dramatic effect – maybe. Though that experience may have ruined my day. It was as annoying as when this happens…

Now I have to actually READ the book to find out what it's about? Great...

 

 

 

 

(just kidding, I love to read)

What I Do When I’m Sick

1) Drink a lot of water.

2) Go to Border’s and buy a Barron’s AP World History book.

3) Proceed to indulge in Caramel Pecanbon at Cinnabon in an attempt to alleviate sickness.

4) Become disappointed when sickness does not subside.

5) Feels calories and cholesterol surge through veins. Sickness increases.

6) Go to the bathroom every 15 minutes (see #1).

7) Neglect to use Barron’s AP World History book (see #2).

8 ) Run on treadmill in attempt to neutralize the negative health effects of a Cinnabon (see #3, #5).

9) Mock Rihanna’s new self-indulgent single that eludes to inappropriate behavior.

10) Run to Rihanna’s new self-indulgent single while on treadmill (see #8, #9).