Caring in the Storm

I have never felt so empty before.

A few weeks ago, J tore me apart. They told me that our friendship meant nothing to them, that caring about me made them feel like they lived a lie, that they would enjoy college more if they could forget about me. J meant so much to me, and they used that knowledge only to bludgeon me, to break me apart.

I had so much to accomplish today, with over 15 things on my to-do list. But just a few hours ago, I got a text from someone with bad news. I tried to reach out, but everyone I knew had something occupying them – a train ride, a week full of exams, their own issues, etc. – so I made the worst mistake.

I called J.

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Turning Away From Toxic

via dictionary.com

My mother has always spewed venom at me. Barbed words that wither my soul, sharp insults that dampen my spirit, and putdowns that have perforated my self-esteem. Of course she has supplied me with many opportunities which I am grateful for, but overall, I cannot say that she has served as a shining example of the type of person, or parent, I strive to be.

She and I have a toxic relationship. When we’re together, the air is thick with tension, as I wait for her to send some stinging comment my way. I’m always on edge, my mind a mix of worry and fear and panic. I don’t dare speak, as anything I say could be used against me. I manipulate my posture perfectly so she doesn’t accuse me of standing up too straight or slouching. I think of the future, of what life will be like when I am free from the confines of this curse.