Hot Girls Not Colonized

About six years ago, I thought I met the most perfect man ever. We both identified as queer men of color, shared similar social justice values, and both enjoyed reading and writing. I convinced myself that he was the best man I would ever meet in my entire life (I wish this were an exaggeration, but it isn’t.) Now, I laugh to myself and with my friends about how obsessed I felt over him. He clearly didn’t have the emotional intelligence I would want in a romantic partner or a friend, yet 23-year-old me overlooked that in favor of basking in delusional fantasies about me and him frolicking in a field of queer literary racial justice flowers I know it’s hard to imagine what queer literary racial justice flowers would look like, just roll with it.

At one point, he had told me that even though he had broken up with his boyfriends, he did not feel ready to talk to me. I remember feeling so dysregulated by this; my emotions came in hot and in overwhelming waves. I told my therapist at the time that I wanted to stop eating at least for a little while so I could feel better, so I could regain some control over the situation. Over time, with her support and with the love of my friends and myself, I learned how to feel more okay with a lack of control in my life, and I moved on from this emotionally messy unavailable man.

Flash forward to today, and I think I’ve met the perfect person. I know they’re not actually perfect, because no one is perfect, though right now in my desire-addled brain, they are actually perfect: compassionate, intelligent both intellectually and emotionally, and attuned to issues of social justice and equity. A few weeks ago, I thought to myself, you know, it’s been a while since you’ve written about an obsessive crush on your blog, thank goodness you haven’t felt attracted to any man for a long time now. This morning, as I drafted this post in a word document, I groaned, ugh, dang it, you spoke too f*cking soon you dilapidated, disempowered, dusty, desirous bottom.

In my last post I wrote about elements of my past I missed. Right now, though, I feel proud of myself for not even thinking about restricting my food intake once. Even though this situation – me having a crush on this person and not being able to tell them for various reasons – is frustrating me and upsetting me and making me feel like I don’t have control, I’m not restraining my eating at all. Instead, I’m journaling about the situation, talking with my friends about it, and just giving myself a ton of space to honor my emotions. I’m literally walking around my little slice of Philadelphia in the nice mid to high 50-degree weather telling myself, this situation really freaking sucks! And it’s absolutely more than okay to feel angry, sad, embarrassed by how much you’re thinking about this person, etc.

Yesterday I talked to one of my closest friends over Zoom who I met in graduate school when I lived in the D.C. area. I love this friend so much and care and respect them so deeply for their interpersonal warmth, commitment to their radical politics, and deep concern for relationships. At some point as we grew closer back when I lived in D.C. we started referring to ourselves as “The Hot Girls Not Colonized.” What this means: we’re both Asian people who don’t give a literal sh*t about what any white person thinks of us, we don’t care about what any man thinks of us, and generally we love ourselves and love each other and we’re ruthlessly committed to our growth as people, our healing, and taking action to dismantle all systems of oppression that plague the lives of our community.

This morning I had a bit of a mental breakdown, though in that mental breakdown I reflected on how nowadays I’m better able to cope with the intensity of my emotions without self-harm. I think a large part of this growth stems from me and my friend’s commitment to “Hot Girls Not Colonized.” It’s a funny and spunky catchphrase for sure, though for me, it really does serve to translate the political into the personal – instead of punishing myself and my body as a queer Asian femme person, I’m going to give my emotions space and then take action to dismantle the white supremacist patriarchal forces that led to this situation in the first place. Now, at 28, I have students to support, clients to care for, research to conduct, hobbies to enjoy, and friends to connect with. I don’t have time to waste on caring about how much I eat or what my body looks like. Those days of weighing myself, of thinking about food as anything other than fuel for my body or a source of pleasure or as a way to connect with loved ones, are, thankfully, in the past.

I’ve thought too about how did I even get so lucky to have amazing close friends like my friend who frolics with me in our Hot Girls Not Colonized energy? Some of it’s luck, that they decided to move to D.C. instead of Minnesota right as the pandemic began and that a few years prior to that I had chosen to attend graduate school in D.C. instead of in Michigan or Philadelphia. But I also think part of what helps me stay on this friend’s level is the love I felt from my grandmother and from my first long-term therapist. They cared for me and believed in me even at my darkest and most unhealthy, unhinged moments. Internalizing their love has helped me respect and care for myself regardless of what other people think and irrespective of what life throws my way. Do I know how I’m gonna cope with or move on from this crush? Not entirely, though I do know with full certainty that I’ll find a way to move forward, someday, somehow, with love from myself and from my friends.

This picture shows a pillow and mug I sent to my close friend for their birthday recently! We are the Hot Girls Not Colonized!

How have you grown in terms of your ability to cope with your emotions or difficulties in your life, or in what ways do you hope to grow? What helps you develop positive feelings toward yourself despite challenges you face in life? Until next post!