Last week my mental health took a sharp nosedive. Amidst my distress, I practiced the DBT skill distress tolerance skill pros and cons. I thought about the pros of killing myself, the cons of killing myself, the pros of not skilling myself, and the cons of not killing myself (for those reading, please rest assured I have no intention of killing myself and I am in a very stable place now mentally!) When I reflected on the pros of killing myself, I only came up with one – not having to feel pain anymore. When I brainstormed the cons of killing myself, I listed out many, though most revolved around one theme: my relationships.
In the throes of my man-induced despair, I thought about how I couldn’t kill myself because of how much it would devastate my friends, students, and clients. Regarding my friends specifically, I knew I just couldn’t do that to them, especially to my two best friends who I’ve known for over a decade now. We’ve loved each other for so long now, and they know everything about me: the names of my favorite therapists I’ve seen, every delusional crush I’ve carried, how I feel about my biological family members, my coworkers, and myself. And I want to keep supporting them too, to read all the stories one of my friends publishes, to support one of my friends through her ongoing journey of grief, to get all the juicy details about the messy people in both of their lives. I know no relationship lasts forever, though I can’t imagine what my life would feel like without either one of them.
After my descent into despair last week, I’ve received love from other folks as well. I texted and talked with two of my close friends I made while living in DC, and I got a life-affirming dinner with my one friend who I really like in Philly. A few folks on here sent me super kind messages checking in. I know I have more work to do on my mental health and myself – I view such self-reflection and self-work as a lifelong journey – and I feel grateful for all the love.
As one of my close friends said above, every crush I’ve had I’ve moved on from with love and with grace. With this current crush, I’ve gotten to the point where I’m like, well, this is what it is, and I’ll still make the most of every other area of my life while this plays out. I’ve coped with so much more than crushes too – emotionally abusive work supervisors, moving and saying goodbye to cities I’ve come to know and cherish, contending with my own flaws and imperfections. My friends and my social support have always come through for me, just like I hope to do so for them.
How do you feel about where your social support is at? General reactions to this post? I know Ariana has been problematic in the past in regard to race and cultural appropriation and I do not excuse any of that in any way, though I have been a bit obsessed with her new album lately… give me a break for just this moment, I’ve been down bad haha. “we can’t be friends (wait for your love)” may be like my new favorite song from her I’ve cried listening to it multiple times and jogged several miles to it, and I also enjoy “bye”! All of the love songs make me think of my closest friends. Anyway until next post!
the quiet voice 
I’m glad you’re OK and have this network of friends far and wide. I’d be devastated if anything happened to you and when I saw your last post I’d just been interacting with a local friend who’s very low and I’m worried about and then my best friend who’s in another city has had another knockback and I’m like, not everyone, I can’t deal with this, so another reason to stay well! I have experienced my husband losing his oldest friend to suicide and a good friend of mine almost slipping away twice now, and even at my lowest ebb I remember how Matthew I and other friends felt at these times and it does help us stay, I think. Go well, stay well, as an otherwise dodgy man in a Malagan restaurant said to me on Wednesday!
Aw thanks for this honest comment Liz! It’s an important reminder about the impact of suicide on close people’s health and wellbeing. I hope your local friend who’s been low has been feeling better or has resources to get on that path. Thinking of you and hope you are staying well too!
Awww, those messages are so sweet. I giggled at the four separate sentences, which had that sense of “words erupting from brain” while they’re thinking and feeling everything AllAt Once (which likely includes their remembering that there’ve been other times when you are the one whose sent texts to them, just when they most needed YOU). Here’s another reason: it’s very cool that you’ve been friends for ten years. But there are potentially a lot of decades ahead for all of you and there are going to be so many experiences that you three want/need to share that haven’t happened yet-brilliant things and awful things-and someday you could be writing about how you’ve been friends for twenty/thirty/forty etc. years and how iconic would THAT be.
Awww thank you for appreciating my friends’ messages! And yes I love that in terms of acknowledging what my friends and I have gone through and shared with one another as well as all the things we will continue to share in the future that we don’t even know about yet. It would be iconic. Appreciate your thoughtful response to this post so much!
I would have been very sad if anything happened to you. I know it sounds odd when we haven’t met but that’s me. It’s so heartwarming reading about your friends, not just in this post but in many other posts. And you’ve been very good at prioritizing them in your life.
If something like this were to happen to me, would I be able to pull through this. I don’t have the training and skills that you do nor the network of friends. That scares me.
Awww thanks so much for your heartwarming message Matt! Appreciate all your care throughout the years and appreciate you highlighting the effort I put into my friendships. I’m glad to hear that you have your siblings and bf to help out, though it makes sense also the generational idea of pulling one’s stuff together. You may already have this in your life, though I hope you are able to find people (many of whom you may already be in relationship with) who you can confide in.
I wanted to add to my comments but WP wouldn’t let me do that.
I thought more about what I wrote last night and the feeling of being alone if something would happen to me. While my siblings and bf would undoubtedly help, I’m not sure they would be able to handle this. We’re from a generation that believes we should just get our sh*t together.
My friends are scattered all over and in different time zones. I know they would reach out if they knew I had a breakdown. Although I’m not sure how they would find out as I’m usually not good at letting people know I’m dealing with something.