I’m seventeen and I don’t know how to drive a car. Every time I see two parents talking to one another without screaming, I gaze in awe. I haven’t gone to Prom and I doubt that I will.
Sometimes I wonder how my childhood would have been if not for my mom. What would it have been like to grow up in an environment entrenched in caring as opposed to cruelty? Which friends might I have met, who might have I turned out to be, what might I have done? With only a few months left before my eighteenth birthday, every chance I have to experience an average life is slipping away.
Occasionally, I worry. I know I’ll already be behind when it comes to driving. I’ll never be able to bring a boyfriend home to meet my parents – unless I want us both to get kicked out. There are doubts sprinkled in my future, disseminating like light rain drops, clouding up what could be.
But, what’s made me different is what’s made me who I am. If not for my mother, maybe I wouldn’t have ever fallen in love with literature. If not for my struggle to accept my sexuality, perhaps I wouldn’t be as passionate about making a difference for others who face discrimination. I should thank my mom for providing me with the first step and allowing me to fall in love with academia and psychology and writing.
Lately I’ve had my concerns; I’ve held thoughts that I didn’t know how to put into words. Now that I’ve submitted my college applications, what’s my next move? What can I do that will really make a difference, that will propel me forward in life and in learning?
My New Year’s Resolution includes many things – writing more every day, for example. But though I’ve already accepted who I am, what my goals are, etc. I now need to fully embrace the fact that I will live no normal life. I will have to learn to drive when I’m an adult, I’ll never know what it’s like to have two parents who can hold a conversation without hurting each other, and I may not attend Prom or bring home a boyfriend or wear skinny jeans to school.
That’s okay, though. These are all first-world problems, imposed by my own relative expectations. I’m much happier anyway, all normalcy aside.