My Friends Make Me Laugh

Several hours ago, I went on a date with this guy who works in geographic information science. What we talked about felt fine – him considering getting a PhD and my feelings about almost having one, him resisting stereotypical images of Black men growing up and me loving myself as a gay Asian man in my mid-twenties, him wanting a spontaneous romantic partner and me wanting a social justice-oriented one. Toward the end of the date though, I recognized that I felt bored. This guy came across as kind, self-aware, and communicative, yet I noticed I had not laughed once. So, on my way back home I texted him and said that I would enjoy a casual friendship or friends with benefits situation, given that I did not feel any romantic chemistry.

I love how this played out because I felt no sense of defeat. I read tweets and Facebook posts by other queer men of color who feel so sad or anguished after a first or second or fifth date do not work out. They often post about wondering if they will be alone forever, about feeling so tired and disappointed in the dating process. I, on the other hand, felt only one thought emerge over and over again as I drove home while listening to BlackPink’s “How You Like That” on repeat: thank goodness I have close friends who make me laugh.

I did not feel angst because I already have all my social needs met by myself and my closest friends. My close friends care about social justice, practice compassion and active listening, and they make me laugh. We joke about stepping on white supremacy’s face and all the men we transcend with our greatness. I say weird shit, they say weird shit, and we riff on each other’s weird shit like the queens of color we are. With them, I never feel bored.

Please read these texts from bottom to top! After the date I told my friend “Okay… the guy was…” and she immediately replied with these on-point texts. I love my closest friends so much!

Over the past few crush-less months, I have wished many times that I had been born aromantic. In my life, I have so many unappealing models of romantic people: people who are codependent on their male partners, people who consider their romantic partners their “other half,” people who prioritize marriage and children over their personal empowerment and fighting oppressive systems that disempower others. When I read my first intensive feminist book, Appetites by Caroline Knapp, I felt so impressed by how she learned to love herself based on internal measures of self-worth. I wanted to follow in her footsteps and reject the notion that a romantic partner completes me.

I’m learning, though, that I can both be romantic and love myself without a man, similar to Caroline Knapp herself. When I say I identify as romantic, I mean that I would be open to being dominated by developing a romantic relationship with a man who can make me laugh, buys me Jeni’s ice cream, and supports me as I scream BlackPink lyrics into the void as I do my best to fight white supremacy. At the same time, I love myself and my close friends so if that man never shows up – I’m still doing superb.

Look at this post from my bff Bri after I complained about a man who I want to message me and has not yet! She actively listened to me and affirmed my amazingness? Honestly my future boyfriend if I ever have one is lucky I’m still attracted to men when I already have such splendorous friends.

What are your reactions or feelings to this post? What resonates and what does not resonate? How have you coped with disappointing things in your life, or what have you thought might feel sad or disappointing and then actually turned out okay? Thank you for those who left such kind and thoughtful comments on my most recent post “Queer Asian Confidence” – I like to respond to comments right after I publish a new post but because work is a bit busy I’ll respond in a day or two. Also BlackPink’s new album comes out on Friday and the instrumental of their title track sounds like a sad bop so if you hear a fanboy scream in the distance it’s me! Until next post.


Filed under Personal, Society

6 responses to “My Friends Make Me Laugh

  1. I’ve said before that your friends are wonderful. I like how supportive they are in both good times and bad. I’m sure you’re the same way with them. Just curious – how did your date react?

    Also, if I did a word analysis of all your blogs, I think “dominate” will be up there (aside from Black Pink). hee hee…

    Have a great week!

    • Awwww yay thanks Matt I appreciate the validation of how amazing my friends are and how much I care about them! He reacted well and agreed to being casual friends. (:

      Haha yeahhh lol at “dominate” I always appreciate you noticing the small details. We’ll seeeee I doubt a man will ever come through who’s worthy of me. Hope your previous week went well!

  2. I love how supportive and wonderful your friends are! And like I’ve said before, your confidence because of this support is so inspiring and reminds me every day to look at and acknowledge my own strengths.

    Also can we talk about the release of a FULL LENGTH ALBUM!!!! Saw the promo photo for the title track and ugh Friday cannot come soon enough!!!!

    • Yesss I love how supportive and wonderful they are too. (: And I am so happy we can support each other as e-friends in developing our confidence. White supremacy will not get in our way!

      I am glad you messaged me earlier about the album because it motivated me to continue bopping to some tracks I had not listened to earlier and I am so happy. I think this album will allow me to thrive until Summer 2021 at a minimum.

  3. I love your friendships with your friends and with yourself. And I hope you manage to stay friends with GIS Man because people do have friends who might suit … I think Matthew made me laugh on our first date but then I did bring an activity with me (a guess the song from the lyric thing I’d printed out) because I was doing me and being my authentic self etc!

    • Thank you for your support Liz, both of my friendships with my close friends and with myself! I hope your relationships of all kinds are going well. (:

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