Oftentimes I despise feeling attracted to men. I love my gayness, it just sucks to be into men because we’re socialized to be uncommunicative, uncaring, and overall unsatisfying. Most days I wish I could choose not to be attracted to men, because then I wouldn’t risk abandoning my values or settling for someone mediocre.
About a week ago I felt super angsty reflecting on how I have no choice being attracted to men. In between walks, jogs, and playing tennis, I thought about disconcerting actions I’ve observed from people I know who are also attracted to men. An ex-friend started dating a guy and called me crying one night because the guy said he didn’t want to move in with her after they had dated for only four months. Another friend got engaged to a man who literally won’t consider going to therapy and once over dinner attributed all of his self-growth to his romantic partner, my friend. A former ill-informed crush of mine dated a guy for five years, who he almost broke up with every six months. When this former crush did break up with his boyfriend, instead of working through his issues, he continued to date more men who had to point out to him that he was still in love with his ex.
I get angsty thinking about these people and their choices because I feel afraid that if I do date a man, I might follow in their footsteps. I feel fear that I will either lower my standards, become overly dependent on a man, or lack the self-awareness to know what would be most healthy for me. If I could just choose not to be attracted to men, I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this. I’d feel no fear because I just wouldn’t feel any desire for a man in the first place.
After letting myself feel sad and frustrated about my attraction to men
and also how there’s no super cute man of color I currently have to crush on, sigh for a couple of days last week, I listened to “Icy” by Itzy and re-recognized some fundamental truths about my life, centered on how I have taken steps to prevent my worst fears from happening. My closest friends and I exude compassion, excellent communication, and self-love without a man, so I won’t settle for anything beneath what we already have. I already know myself and cherish myself without awards or a romantic partner so I wouldn’t care less if a man didn’t want to move in with me after four – or forty – months of dating. I’ve gone to therapy and addressed my internal issues so I won’t engage in codependent behaviors, and I’ll catch myself if those behaviors emerge.
Most of the time, I do feel I would make my life so much easier if I could choose to stop being attracted to men. However, I can radically accept that I am into men and still cultivate a life worth living. I didn’t choose to be raised by an abusive mother and I managed to flourish in the face of that adversity
in part because of excessive self-disclosure on the internet, lol meta. And even though I write about my experiences with crushes and my attraction to men on this blog, I actually spend very little time in my day to day life thinking about or interacting with men, because I’ve filled my life with so many activities that relate to compassion for others and social justice instead.
Who knows, maybe a man will manifest who has radical leftist politics, likes books, can make me laugh, will buy me Jeni’s ice cream, egg on my fanboying of BlackPink, is kind and communicative, and can eliminate white supremacy
I’m kidding obviously I don’t expect any man or any person to satisfy everything I want, that’s what attractive fictional men are for. In the mean time I’ll stay wonderful with myself and my closest friends and my values. In some ways, these blog posts help reinforce that if I ever do meet a man I end up dating, I felt so happy and fulfilled before him, just as I would with him, and after him.
Does anyone else struggle with feeling attracted to men? What are your general responses or reactions to this post and/or my neuroses? What do you think I did in my past life to deserve being attracted to men in my present life? Hope you are all well and until next post!