It’s Weird!

I waited over a month to email the news to my two past long-term therapists. When I said bye to C in June 2022, I had already planned when I’d reach out to both her and L again. It’s perfectly reasonable to email your two therapists who saw you for multiple years when you get your tenure-track job, I thought to myself. It’s just a casual update so they know how you’re doing and so they can hear the good news.

I reached out to C and L with the update in February, a month after I secured my academic and clinical positions. Maybe my subconscious had tried to shield me, because when I sent the emails, a small wave of grief hit: when am I going to have a chance to write to these people again? When I said bye to them before, I felt comforted by the thought of sending an update once I got my ideal tenure-track job. Now that I’ve achieved that, what else would I have to share about in the future?

When I take a step back, I can acknowledge that separating from a therapist may feel weird. I spilled my whole heart to these people for years, for an hour a week or more, and then when therapy was over I just stopped talking with them, even though they’re alive and well. I get the rationale from a clinical sense; this separation helps prevent dependency and can bolster my ability to function on my own. Still, it feels helpful to validate the oddity of how these relationships work, instead of judging myself for it. I still remember laughing with L about my obsessive internet searches on the guys I went on dates with back in undergrad and us celebrating in session my acceptance to my PhD program. I remember sending C Twice’s “I Can’t Stop Me” a few hours before a therapy session during my residency interview period and us talking in-depth about how the song applies to my life and personality. It makes sense for me to miss these people, even though I am doing quite well now.

They also served as parental figures, or at least healthy older adult figures. While my own father has expressed his support and happiness for me over recent years, because of generational and cultural differences, I’ve felt more emotionally connected with L and C. L in particular served as the father figure I yearned for as a child. I know L and C would both be happy to hear from me if I emailed them about whatever random update in the future. At the same time, it feels important to let myself honor my sadness of missing L and C, even when I have forged many wonderful and deeply-loving alternatives.

One of my undergrad mentors, a parent of two and grandmother of two, once told me that one goal of parenting is to raise a child who can operate on their own, without a parent in the picture. I find this true of therapy too. Just the other day, I paused texting this white gay who had expressed romantic interest in me. That night, I had a rough nightmare, and while working on a research task the following morning, I noticed myself feeling some kind of vague negative emotion. Instead of repressing the emotion, I practiced mindful awareness and tuned into the emotion. I sat with it. I literally sat at my desk and alternated between staring at the wall and gently closing my eyes while breathing deeply and thinking and feeling through the negative emotion present in my mind and body.

Feelings of disappointment and annoyance soon bubbled up. Ah, I thought to myself with relief, now I understand what’s going on. I felt disappointed about this man not meeting my standard for a romantic partner or closer friend, and I felt annoyed about the lack of radical, emotionally attuned queer men of color within my vicinity. After acknowledging these emotions, I listened to some empowering pop music and went about my day unbothered.

This period of my life, from June 2022 to now, has been the longest I have gone without individual therapy since I started seeing L in 2015. At times, I miss it, both the dedicated space for my healing as well as the simply human element of connecting with someone whose company I enjoy; there have been many instances where I wish I could tell L about some of the men I’ve met since I stopped seeing him in 2017, just to see his smirk. Though, I’m doing the best I ever have right now too. I can process and cope with life’s struggles on my own and with my friends and community.

When C replied to my email, she said that she missed my “unapologetic, feminist spirit.” Huh, I thought to myself, I suppose my spirit is unapologetic. And I do love living a great life with no male romantic partner. It felt nice, to receive a reminder of my strengths. I’m grateful to L and C for nourishing my spirit for many years, so that I can pay it forward through the clinical service I provide and through other avenues in my life.

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How do you honor people, therapists or otherwise, who have significantly influenced your life and are no longer in your life in some capacity? What helps you cope with your emotions and go about your day to day? When will a non-boring man enter my life? General reactions to this post? Thank you to my regular commenters and readers for also providing a sense of community and care here, and until next post!

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